My last post was directed to those young men who are living a life somewhat to fully disconnected from the life they claim as a Christ follower.  Living life way too addicted to their phones, social media, and themselves. This post is for you. By you, I mean a young woman who is more than a little serious about living an authentic life as a Christ follower, and is seeking a relationship with a young man that honors Christ.   Being who God has called you to be in a relationship today is incredibly difficult.  My hope is to give you some tools, some understanding, and some insight there.  This is not really about the “him” in your relationship, it’s about you.  Get the “you” right, and you will be amazed at the results in your life.

Here we go.  What follows are five simple Relationship Rules for the modern young woman to know, understand, and live by.  Before you call me old fashioned, read all the way through. Then you can choose to keep ignoring the rules and keep getting the same amazing guys as boyfriends and the same amazingly wonderful relationships that you have right now (that’s sarcasm in case you missed it).   Just to clarify, I didn’t make these rules, I’m simply pointing them out to you.

1. Be a lady. I may have just lost you right here on the first one. While this could be an entire post, I’m only going to focus on two things. One is your clothes.  Think about your clothes for a minute. I know you think about them pretty much every minute of the day, but play along with me here. If your shirt can barely keep you contained, what message are you sending? Because boys notice. They really notice.  Are you wearing shorts, skirts, and dresses that are skin tight and just barely cover your rear?  Again, boys are going to notice.   The problem with putting all this effort in your clothing choices is that you are saying “notice these parts of my body”. You are buying into what the world is selling, that you have to get a boy to think you are sexy so he’ll want to be with you. Is that really the message you want to send, and really, is that the guy you want to be with?

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not recommending sweatshirts and baggy sweatpants as your everyday wardrobe. You can dress to impress, but don’t cheapen yourself  to a level where a man’s eyes never look into yours. You can dress with class and still  feel good about yourself. If you don’t know how to do this, humble up and ask your mom. She knows.

Second is language. Young women, especially those that are Christ followers, should have a higher standard with the words you speak. If you use profanity, stop. Yes, it’s old school, but it matters.   If you want to go the extra mile, say “yes sir” and “yes ma’am” to adults. You’ll be surprised at the results.

In the end, don’t settle for talking or dressing like the rest of the world. Have the courage to be different in the right ways.

2. Never send a pic of yourself you wouldn’t show mom and dad. Nothing is private, and the love of your life today, was the love of someone else’s life a couple of weeks ago. Any boy who would ask for one, is not worthy of you.

3. Wounded seeks wounded. Healthy seeks healthy. I really hate this rule, but that doesn’t make it less true.   You have built in radar that is attracted to a boy like you.  This is equally true for boys by the way. If you are hurting deeply, you will almost inevitably end up with a young man who is deeply hurting as well. Somehow, we think this person can help us, can fill the hole, can fill the hurt, and make us happy. And you feel you can fix his hurt.  It’s attractive because it makes you feel needed.  But it’s a lie. Broken plus broken equals more broken.   My point here is don’t look for a guy to make you feel better, look to Christ. Talk to your parents, read your bible, get grounded in God. Christ is our Jehovah Raffi, the God who heals.   In every broken, crazy, relationship you have ever had, the common factor has always been you. Break the cycle. Because the good news is, if you are grounded in Christ, guess who will be attracted to you? You got it, a godly young man grounded in Christ.

4. Understand boy/girl relationships. I hate to break it to you, but you probably don’t understand them. Really. First of all, boys are not interested in just being your friend. They say that, and some of them really want to mean it. The cold hard truth is that they want to be your friend only until they can convince you to be their girlfriend. Trust me on this one, and no, I don’t expect you to thank me when time after time this rule is proven right.

Moving on, you need to understand that a good relationship is made up of 5 pillars.  When these five are being met in a healthy God honoring way, you have a beautiful thing.  Let’s take a look at all five.

1. Physical
2. Emotional
3. Relational
4. Intellectual
5. Spiritual

So, one guess as to which pillar is the easiest to build on? Correct. Physical is also most likely what brought the two of you together in the first place. See the dress code issue above. We’ll talk about the physical pillar more at the end.

The emotional pillar is harder to define, but most simply it’s how well he understands you; does he know when you’re mad, when you’re about to lose it, when you just need to talk?  This one takes time to build.  Go slow and let him in over time, as the bible says, guard your heart.  If you’re hurting right now, you need to be especially careful.

The relational pillar is interesting. Has your friendship circle increased as you have been going out with him? Do you know his friends, his family? Do you go out with groups, with other couples, or are you in a tightening spiral of aloneness?   By aloneness, I mean just the two of you. A good healthy relationship should expand your relational circle, not shrink it.

The intellectual pillar is just that, do you talk about the books your have read, places you want to go, things that interest you?  Do you talk about places you want to see, and why you want to go there?  Again, does he make your world bigger and more challenging, or does it seem to keep coming back to just the two of you?

And lastly, the great black hole of relationships, the spiritual pillar. If you want a Godly man, and you desire to be a Godly woman, take an honest look at the spiritual side of your relationship right now. Because this is most likely as good as it gets. Does he want to go to church with you? Does he pray with you? Has he shared some meaningful scripture with you? Do you know his heart for Christ?  What’s his big God dream?  Could you even imagine asking him?

I challenge you to rate your relationship in all 5 pillars.  If you decide to take this seriously, ask your best friend or two to rate your relationship as well and compare scores.  It might be fun, and it might be eye opening.  If your score on the physical side is high, watch out. It’s almost impossible to back track in this area. Once you have held hands, that’s where you start next time you see him. Once he has kissed you, that’s where you start next time. And so on, and so on. It’s not fair, but the truth is, you own the line on the physical side of your relationships. You will be the one to give permission for almost everything that happens physically. Guard your purity, it is precious and fragile.

5. Be confident. I do know it’s much easier to say it than to do it. First, let’s see what confidence is not –
   1. It’s not dressing like the cover of Cosmo (see rule #1 again)
   2. It’s not being rude, stuck up, or bitchy to other girls
   3. It’s not talking about friends behind their backs to look important or in the know

So what is it then? At the core, confidence consists of two separate but critical things. The first and most important is knowing “whose” you are. It’s knowing you belong to Christ. You were worth enough for the eternal, holy, almighty Son of God to come down to earth to ransom you. That’s better than any Nicolas Sparks book ever written. Confidence is knowing you are wonderfully and fearfully made. That means that the God of the universe, the God that created everything, and created everything perfectly, that same God lovingly made you exactly the way He wanted you. Not perfect in your mirror, but perfect in His eyes. Believe it. Confidence means knowing you were created for a purpose, to know Him, love Him, and to make Him known throughout the world. Yes, you. Maybe alone, maybe with a husband, maybe with children. Maybe not. But always with Him.

The second component is competence.  Competence is simply what you know how to do, and how to do it well. It could be playing volleyball, basketball, or cheer. It could be driving a jeep in the mud, putting on makeup, camping out, building a fire. It could be hunting, cutting hair, fishing, quilting, or really anything. As long you love it, and are good at it. The problem comes when competence is the only part of confidence you have. Then you are “cheer person” or a “basketball girl” and all your friends do the same thing you do. If you don’t have anything you feel like you do well, get out there and learn something.

So, confidence comes first from knowing you are God’s holy and pure and perfectly created woman, then add that you are pretty dang good at bowling (or whatever your skills and abilities are), and the result is confidence. Know “whose” you are, and know what you do well.

That’s it, just five simple relationship rules to know and understand.  Notice I said simple, not easy. Nothing good ever came easy. No relationship ever is just perfect. There is no great “soul mate” out there who will sweep you off your feet and make your complete.   The honest, painful truth is this – a boy/guy/man will never complete you. You may feel better about yourself for a while, but it fades. Actually, a new boyfriend is a lot like a new pair of shoes. For a few days, they both are awesome. Then you notice a scuff here, a nick there, and all of a sudden you want another pair. Because a new pair (boy) will make you happy. Right? Time to be honest, if you really want your relationships to work, it starts with you. You have to know “whose” you are (Christ’s), be firmly grounded in Him, and to your core understand that Christ loves you more and better than anyone else ever can or will. From that foundation, you can build an amazing future. And from that foundation, you will attract, and be attracted to some pretty awesome Godly young men.
Grace and peace ladies.